38 Ways to Lose Your Customers
Courier Customer Service Gone Bad. Really Bad.
Some say that customer service from various couriers and express trucking companies is the pits these days with surly staff and snarly truck drivers leading the way.
But bad customer service is rampant in just about every conceivable sector nowadays.
However it doesn’t have to be a difficult hill to climb to overcome in your business.
By exposing and analyzing some of the poor to appalling practices found in Service industry, you can employ standards that go above and beyond the status quo to provide impeccable customer service that brings your customers back time after time.
It’s a win-win for both you and your customers, as your customer loyalty base increases in ratio with your sales and profits.
So in case you haven’t conceived of every method to alienate your customers, we have come up with a list of ideas that are certain to drive them away.
With tongue in cheek, we offer the following 38 tips.
Customer Service In General
1. An irate customer is its own reward. Make someone’s day.
2. A closed mouth gathers no foot … speak boldly!
3. When the only customer service tools you have to work with is an axe, you will have hours filled with fun.
4. Try to come to an amicable conclusion … the place where you and the customer both get tired of arguing.
5. Best customer service award goes to: the one with the subtle blend of psychology and extreme violent behavior.
6. If the shoe fits, beat the customer senseless with it.
7. If you can’t beat the customers, arrange to have them beaten.
8. Having a bad day? Take it out on a customer. You’ll feel better.
9. Creating a lie can save a world of explanation.
10. It’s not losing the argument that matters … it’s how many you take down with you that counts.
11. Don’t deal with a complaint with reality. No one does. Deal with your OWN reality.
12. Argue long enough to get the last word, and you just might get it!
13. You can be one of those bad things that happens to good people.
14. An argument long winded enough will end up in semantics.
15. Anyone can admit they were wrong … the true test is not admitting it to anyone!
16. Be the best at talking in circles, for you shall be known as the “big wheel.”
17. Tell the customer you didn’t say it was their fault … you said you were going to blame them.
18. Inform the customer they have the right to remain silent. Anything they say will be misquoted then used against them.
Customer Service Counter
19. Sign at customer service: Don’t get me mad … I’m running out of places to bury the bodies.
20. Never underestimate the power of using stupidity when you’re the customer service manager.
21. There is always one person in the customer service department that understands and works well with people. They must be fired!
22. Make the customer angry enough to be happy to be leaving.
How To Anger A Customer Even Further
23. Throw them a stick and ask them to go away.
24. State if you agreed with them you’d both be wrong.
25. Explain that just because you don’t care about their problem doesn’t mean you don’t understand.
26. Tell them you’ve fixed the problem. But don’t do anything … at ALL.
27. State you’re there to help them out, then ask which way they came in.
28. Tell them you refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
29. Keep talking until the customer finally stops listening.
30. Sarcasm is just one of the many great services we offer.
31. A good couple of whacks on a desk with the receiver in hand during conversation should suffice.
Miscellaneous Customer Service
32. Customer stress is waking up screaming, then realizing you haven’t gone to sleep yet.
33. If you can’t beat your customer in an argument, try kickboxing.
34. Deja moo: The feeling you’ve heard this customer bull before.
Courier Companies Customer Service
35. God help the customers today … our dispatcher quit smoking last night.
36. Sure, we’re available 365 / 24 / 7 to serve you … just don’t call us after 2pm or on weekends.
37. You want it when? Then laugh out loud when they answer.
38. Here’s our rate sheet … de jour.